I Wrote Something

So it’s been three-and-half months since I wrote anything here. There are multiple reasons for this. First off, let’s call a spade a spade: I am lazy, and writing is work. Another reason would probably be that as much as I would love to document things, I am generally so busy being in the life thing that I just don’t think to step outside myself to create future nostalgia opportunities. Before I was an exchange student I read some blogs to get a sense of what it might be like. I noticed a general trend of posts becoming less frequent and then stopping, so I’m not surprised I did the same. A lot of them said that things just started to feel normal, that things became like part of normal life. I think that’s what’s intended with a high-school level exchange. That you immerse and assimilate, grow into this new life.

That’s sort of what’s happened to me except not at all. Rather than start feeling like my life here is my normal life, my entire concept of normality has disappeared. Maybe that sounds like some really great non-conformist sentiment, but this feeling is a whole lot bigger than that. I’d say it’s sort of like the moment you realize you’re no longer a child. But when you have this moment, it’s not like you’ve crossed over a thin line and suddenly you’re a fully realized adult. Far from it. You’re just in nowhere-land.

I am in nowhere-land. This is not my normal life. I’m not telling lies here—I have not assimilated to Ecuadorian culture. I have adjusted; I get along just fine. But I do not belong here, and to pretend that I do would have to mean acting like someone I’m just not, and I will never be comfortable with that. But that’s not to say I haven’t changed. Oh yes, I have changed. And the thing is that I’ve passed some point-of-no-return where there is no going home. I would say that about three months ago I could have gone home and it would have been different; there would have been a lot of little surface things: I would have been more aware of this, that would have bothered me when it didn’t before. But somewhere between then and now, the entire world shifted under my feet and I woke up in an entire new reality. I say that I’ve changed, but maybe I really haven’t, maybe people never really change, maybe just our perspectives change. And when your perspective changes, your entire universe is one that resembles your familiar before, but is inherently different in a way that defies description.

My life here didn’t become normal; it became real. It’s part of a new reality that I have to navigate. One where I no longer get the comfort of unquestioned beliefs. There is no default. Home feels like such a distant place; the only America I can feel connected to is the one I remember through child’s eyes, the one I will always cherish. The person I suddenly am isn’t part of there, isn’t part of here, isn’t part of anywhere. Everything is so big and so small all in the same moment. Even surrounded by people I love, I’ve never felt so alone. I’ve never felt so confidently alone. It’s a strange sense of being completely lost and yet absolutely certain that you will arrive.

That’s another reason I haven’t written here—everything happening in my head is so far beyond me that I don’t even know how to begin. I am (as I suppose I always have been) living two lives, the one outside my head and the one inside. A lot of things have happened in the outside life that I could have written about here no problem: factual descriptions of trips, holidays, cultural differences, etc. I could have written it all and trimmed the edges with emotion and humor and it would have been fine. But then there’s this whole other inner life where things have just been beyond words. And the two worlds mesh and affect each other and it’s so exhausting to flesh it all out, and even when I do, do I really want to share it? For what? To inform people back home? What’s home? This is my life and things happen that are important to me and now that everything has become so real, it’s kind of private. I just can’t see this exchange as like this year apart from everything where I’m like, “Wow! Ecuador! Look at that!” Now it’s part of this weird life that becomes who I am.

Does any of this make sense to anyone reading it? I have no idea.

I’m going home in a little less than eight weeks. Some days that seems like nothing, some days it still seems like quite a while. How do I feel about going home? Great question. First off, there is no home. The life I had built for myself has essentially dissolved. Everyone has moved away, high school is over. I find it eerie how a little world so tightly woven as high school just dissipates so quickly. Like it was never really there at all. It seemed so real then—what does it say about our present? If you’re wondering, I’m doing a year at Meramec and then transferring to somewhere. Don’t ask me where I’m looking to transfer; I don’t have an answer for you. I think I’ll be arriving come June in a place that resembles one I used to know but isn’t. I can’t see it as going back; there is no going back. It’s part of this whole future that’s even shakier than my present.

Like I said, I’m nowhere. But I’m not lost. I always know where I’m going, I’m just never aware.

Reflections from the Midpoint

Today was the five-month mark of my ten-month stay. I have a lot of contradictory thoughts and feelings about this day. I can remember trying to imagine it, back when it seemed an eternity away. It's weird to actually be here. I wouldn't say time has gone by fast; I don't think time ever really goes by fast. It's just that we look at points in the future as being so distant that we can hardly imagine getting there. And then time doesn't fly by, but it just...passes, when we never really expected it to.

I've thought a lot about time since I've been here. I've thought a lot about a lot of things. And how I want to approach time. And how I want to approach life. With the time thing, there's this sentiment that we should "seize every moment," and that's especially popular with the whole exchange program thing. I think that's sort of unrealistic. It's like in every moment you should be feeling in that moment that you are living life to the fullest; it makes me think of stock photos of laughing people and the sort of pictures you might find on tumblr. I've found here that the best approach is not for me to try to "seize" every moment, because then there's an expectation placed on everything, and then there's the possibility for unnecessary and unwarranted disappointment. I just try to experience every moment. That includes moments where I just sort of want to fall in a hole or return to the womb or something, because those moments do happen occasionally. And when I'm sitting in those little moments of eternity, I don't try to get away from it. I just try to live in it. Eat up the misery, maybe I can use it for some good later.

Ecuador is a weird country for me. Let me clarify: it is not bad, I am not having a bad time (far from it). How I ended up in Ecuador is I randomly choose it for a third choice country and then I was offered a scholarship. So, I found myself thrilled about free money and destined for a country I selected after browsing google image search results for 30 seconds. I'm adventurous! I did some research, and my host thoughts were, "Oh, shit. Well, here we go." Looking back, that was a pretty accurate thought to have.

You see, Ecuador is a Latino country. Latino culture and Ecuador is sort of the opposite of who I am as a person. I would not change this fact for the world. Really, I wouldn't. I'm glad I get to spend a year here. I am anxious. Ecuadorians are laid back. While I love the people I love very much, I have trouble imagining someone describing me as "warm." Ecuadorians touch each other at all available moments and put damn near half the words they say in a diminutive form to make them more "loving." I analyze everything alway at every moment and I can lay awake for hours before my mind is exhausted enough to sleep. Ecuadorians, not so much. These people do not like to read books. These people are loud. These people think Grown Ups 2 is a good movie. I do not belong here.

This isn't a classic cliche story of "Wow, but we're all really the same on the inside!" As much as I have learned how little our differences matter, I have learned how much they cannot be denied. And I have learned which parts of myself I will change to assimilate, and which parts really are who I am. It's a struggle for me to be here sometimes, feeling like no one understands me, so alone. It's almost tempting to get superior about it, like I know some grand secrets that no one around me knows. But I once got some obvious, but sometimes-difficult-to-follow advice: if everything seems wrong, you're what's wrong. And as much as they all don't understand me, I'm not understanding them. Because it's hard to understand. It always takes more effort to diverge from your default path. But it's my job here. I am learning a lot.

As for the language, I'm not really sure what to tell you about that. Everyone wants to know about the f-word: am I fluent yet? Honestly, I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I am, sometimes I feel like I'm not. It's not at all tiring to speak Spanish anymore. I don't translate in my head. If someone speaks English that's not that great, I'd really prefer to speak Spanish with them. I understand essentially everything that's said, but occasionally people bring in words I haven't heard before. I can think in it. I dream in it. I write my diary in Spanish. I'm rereading Mockingjay in Spanish (Sinsajo) and while there are plenty of new words, I infer some, look up some, and overall can read it at a normal and comfortable pace. Schoolwork poses minimal challenge in the language department. I can go an entire day and not misunderstand anything. I can talk fast if I'm not nervous. I can watch most tv shows and the news without any problem, but if I try to watch a critically-acclaimed movie with smart dialogue, it can get tough. I'm impatient with the language, which in a way is good because I constantly want to be better at it. I don't know if I'm "fluent." There isn't really an officially fluency point where an angel visits you in a dream or something. I'd say my level is medium-high.

I've been really blessed to have some amazing people here. I LOVE my host family. So much. Family time is very important in Ecuadorian culture and I love being with them, so that works out quite nicely. They are loving and caring and incredibly understanding and I got really lucky there. I've made some truly good friends at school. At the beginning of an exchange, I think it's sort of like you make allies more than friends. But I'm past that and really love and care about some of my classmates. And we talk and laugh and I enjoy their company. I have friends from my art class who share a lot of my interests (art, obviously), and we can have long philosophical discussions where my pencil doesn't touch the paper my entire two-hour class. There are some really amazing people in my exchange group too, and they're sort of a blessing I never expected and just being with them makes me feel less alone and reminds me that I'm part of an incredible and rare experience.

It's made me appreciate what I've always had. My home, my family, my friends. The good education I received. The world of opportunities I can take advantage of in the future. I feel glad to be alive, even when I'm unhappy. I feel lucky. Very lucky.

Essentially all words could apply in some capacity to the experience I've had here. As they say, "Exchange is not a year in life, but life in a year." I've changed and I imagine I'll change a lot more by June. I'm excited to live every up and down of the next five months. Whatever happens, it will be fine. This whole thing has made me believe in fate. Not that I necessarily think fate is a real thing, but I do think I'm at my best believing it will all work out and living without fear. Best off just...living.

December (and the Beginning of January) in Review

How can it be that I haven't written here since November? November feels so far away. Here I have long days and short weeks. So here's a brief review of a very busy month and a promise to at least try to write a little more. Also no pictures because I just don't have the patience to upload them right now.

• My sister had two ballet practices. It was fun to see here with her makeup and costumes. At one performance she got to wear a really pretty white tutu, at the other she was dressed as a fork (Beauty and the Beast). The Beauty and the Beast show was really cute. It was based off of the movie and they used the movie music. I actually really genuinely enjoy watching ballet and the girl who played Belle was very talented.
• Both of my siblings had Christmas performances at their school. These included songs in English which I enjoyed more than anyone ever should. Ricky had to dress as an elf and a major sulking session ensued, but he came around when all of his friends looked ridiculous too.
• I got to go to Cuenca for a weekend. Cuenca is a city about 6 hours south of here. A girl from my exchange program invited a group of us to come visit and stay with her. The city is really beautiful and much more modern-feeling than the rest of the country. We had a great time.
• I baked an apple pie from scratch with no measuring and used an oven that doesn't work properly. It was for our YFU Christmas party and somehow it came out great, a true Christmas miracle.
• Virghy turned nine on the 19th. We had a dinner and cake with some of her friends. I gave her some money and a keychain with a picture of St. Louis.
• We had a big cookie-baking day. I love Christmas cookies and they don't make them here. Virghy was a big fan of the idea and helped me the entire day. We watched the Grinch twice. That night all five of us got together to decorate the cookies. Everyone kept saying that there were so many, but they were all gone three days later.
• Christmas here is a much more religious event than in the U.S. Essentially everyone is Catholic and I'm in Catholic school, so there was a lot of nativity scenes and kids reenacting the birth of Christ. Children here do not believe in Santa.
• Christmas eve we went to my uncle's house with all of my dad's brother's and their children. We had some extremely heated games of Uno (Virghy had gotten the cards for her birthday). There was an exchange of presents between the uncles and cousins. My uncle gave me a teddy bear, which I thought was really cute. We decided to name it after his crazy dog, Nena. Everyone stays up until midnight and hugs. 
• Christmas morning we opened presents. My parents had asked me what I wanted and I said a reading lamp (still a nerd). For the record, I love my reading lamp. My grandmas gave me a really pretty bracelet with silver hearts and tiny silver keys. For my gifts I did a portrait of each of the kids. I gave Ricky some movies and Virghy a Calico Critter set I had had my family send me. My grandmother had also sent along gifts for them, a bank and baseball for Ricky, and for Virghy a Rainbow Loom, which makes bracelets out of rubber bands. All the gifts went over quite well and I spent a good part of the day with Virghy on Youtube looking up different patterns to use with the loom. I got to skype with my family back home while the opened presents and I opened some presents that they had sent me. It was really nice.
• New years eve is a huge deal here and one thing I will miss next year. The tradition is to build a sort of effigy that you burn at midnight. We spent three days making Mike Wazowski from Monster's Inc. out of chicken wire and foam. On New Year's Eve day we put it out in front of our house and stopped cars for money, another tradition. I got to wear a pink wig and collected seven dollar's worth of nickels. That night, young men dress up as women and dance in the street, the cars give them money. The whole city is a party and we walked all over the streets just to see all that was going on. At midnight we burned Mike. Fireworks are legal, even the big ones. At midnight the entire sky was lit up. I didn't know where to look and everyone was laughing at how excited and amazed I was. Everyone hugs each other and wishes a happy new year.
• We went back to school and that was a bit rough after vacation, but I like my classmates so it's alright. A lot of other small things have been happening. I feel like I'm always busy. A few days ago the other American student, Sarah, finished her semester and went home. It's weird to think that she's back and this year is very nearly half over. I should write a more reflective post about that soon, but no promises. A week from today I am leaving for a tour of the coast with the YFU group. I am so excited!