Sickness and Soul Searching

I got back from the jungle trip on Monday morning, and immediately after I arrived home, the moment I had dreaded and feared was finally upon me: I got food poisoning. Well, either food or river water. I won't go into too many details, but I was pretty sick. I got a house call from the doctor and wasn't back at school until Thursday.

But the entire time I was laying in a bed feeling as though my intestines were trying to claw out from my body, I never really felt sad. The last time I was sick, the lonely bedrest made me seriously homesick. I wanted to be back in my bed in America. But this time I just wanted to get better and get back to school and my friends and being with everyone.

I'm not sure if it happened on the trip or before, but by the time I was back in Ambato I had realized that something was different. My life and who I am has radically changed. I think it must have been happening the entire time I've been here, slowly sneaking up on me.

I've had unexpected difficulty letting go of everything that was me and my life in Kirkwood. For years I talked of how I wanted to leave that place, and then not too long before I left, I realized how much I love it. Which isn't bad; it's good to love home. But to come here I had to forget it. I had to abandon the standards and thinking of that culture, at least to some extent. I really hung on to it for a long time. Mentally, I was still there.

But now, in what feels so sudden to me, I am totally and completely here. My entire life has shifted. It's strange and I can't describe it, but it feels like all my memories just changed colors. High school was years ago; everything feels so distant that it's like I dreamt it. It's freeing, and just what I've needed to happen. But I also know that I can never go back. When I return in June I will be a different person and I'll build a new life all over again. I have seven months more here. It doesn't sound like such a long time anymore, but at the same time I know I can't even imagine all that will happen and change in that time.

The last night of the trip, we slept in Quito. A group of my friends and I pushed a bunch some beds together and were laying piled on top of them. While I was dozing in and out of sleep, one of them turned to me and said, "I feel like we're supposed to be here." It's a great feeling.